


Regrets

by nekonexus



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Implied Relationships, Introspection, Post-Movie(s), Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-12
Updated: 2011-07-12
Packaged: 2017-10-21 08:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/223011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekonexus/pseuds/nekonexus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things that Charles Xavier regrets are not, perhaps, those which you might assume. (You know what they say about assumptions.)<br/>Note: Gen does not mean fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers run rampant, as does an unreliable narrator (more so for this being entirely in his head). Introspection, interjection, and unattributed thoughts.

If there is one thing that the showdown on the beach taught Charles _(in truth, there are many - difficult to swallow in a homogeneous lump, but suitable for intense scrutiny in the singular)_ , it is _(a degree of)_ humility. He'd thought _(oh, his_ thoughts _, yes -- it's a wonder he couldn't hear the gods themselves laughing at him)_ he could woo Erik to his side. _(He has accepted, reluctantly, that they are taking sides; not quite opposing, but at least at right angles to each other.)_ But there on the beach, helpless in Erik's arms, surely he could have...

 _Could have what, Charles?_

 _Swallow that bitter pill._

Could have bought them time? Could have lied, a little, just long enough... could have swallowed his gods-be-damned _pride_ ( _hubris, hubris_ ) and admitted that maybe, just maybe, Erik was right.

So much loss, there, and then. That which he regrets least is the loss of his legs. How many times had Raven said, "It's easy for you - you _look_ normal"?

A humbling indeed, to learn just how much he'd taken for granted.

( _"At least your legs didn't turn blue,"_ Hank had said, with a note of lingering bitterness marring the sympathy of his gallows-humour.)

Ha.

Ha.

The things one sees, finally, when it's too late.

He cannot find Er-- Magneto -- now. Not with that helmet, and likely another telepath to hide their new brotherhood. He _can_ find others, not for his _army_ , but for his school.

 _Teach us all to live in harmony, will you, Professor X? Better find as many humans as mutants, then, and raise them up right._

Optimist's hope. He'd never had it torn from him, never seen it shredded in his grasp (as Erik had).

 _...between rage and serenity..._

Unintentional lie, that. He'd never been truly angry, you see -- not for himself. He could -- had -- experienced all the myriad of emotions that others exposed him to, could even claim to _share_ , ( _liar_ ), but at the deepest level, they remained _not him_.

 _Regret is for old men._

He does not feel young anymore.

And yet, while he still holds this hope, while he nurtures this fragile dream, he knows he is still decades -- centuries -- younger than Erik has been made by the pain he carries.

He does not think Erik regrets anything. Erik burns a path relentlessly forward.

 _...between rage and serenity..._

If he and Erik are the extremes, how can he hope to teach the middle ground?

 _One needs, you see..._

He suspects their mutations manifest under extreme need. Sometimes it is the need to avenge (like Erik, and Havoc). Sometimes, to hide (like Raven, and Darwin). Sometimes... simply to find someone to talk to, that desperate need for reassurance.

 _You are not alone._

Each mind he touches has its own need. He cannot meet them all. He cannot save....

 

Someday, he is certain, he will meet one of their own who can walk the curve of time as easily as Azazel and others move between the planes of space. And when he does...

How far back would he have to go? Not to save himself, no. He can live without legs. How far back -- when was it too late for Erik? In the concentration camp? There is no way he could have intervened. Not without changing... everything. And if he is to be honest with himself _(he's trying -- it is easy to bend the truth when you can hear others' unspoken lies_ ) _if_ he is completely honest, he knows he would sooner find a way to stop the war -- to prevent the camps -- than to save one man.

Even when that man is Erik Lensherr.

 _Because_.

 _(Swallow, Charles. Bitter medicine for the ego. Choke down your hubris.)_

Because experience makes the man.

 _...between rage and serenity..._

Change one thing; change everything. And the world would necessarily never be the same.

( _You keep looking for answers in the past, Charles. They're not there. You can only move...._ )

Forward.

Relentlessly.

Evolve or die trying.

...

Surely they can evolve a better response than hatred, and war.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Solutions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/224494) by [narsus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/narsus/pseuds/narsus)




End file.
